Return Of The Luddite!

As people are lining up around the block to get their hands in the new iPhone, a magazine ad for another type of cell phone caught my wife's eye!

The Jitterbug offers about a dozen buttons... the numbers zero through nine, "yes" and "no"buttons, and that's about it. The phone does NOT have text messaging, a camera or an mp3 player, or any other features for that matter. Plus - if you dial zero, a jitterbug operator will come on the line to help you figure out how to use your phone - just in case dialing a phone number and pushing the "yes" button to connect is too complicated.

Yes- the Jitterbug phone is being marketed to senior citizens - or, really, to the children of seniors, who want their parents to carry a cell phone in case of emergencies. Robin thinks the phones are neat because every time she gets a new cell phone, she needs about a week to learn how to use it. Plus, she's a luddite. In her defense, I must say that Modern cell phones are notoriously counter-intuitive, and their user manuals are usually difficult to read at best! I'm far more advanced technologically than my wife is, but there are buttons on my phone that I still have no idea how to use.

Still - if we want to avoid becoming our parents, we MUST learn and embrace new technology! My mother-in-law refuses to give up her dial-up AOL and progress to broadband, and I give her grief about it all the time... The millennials who responded in comments to this youtube ad for the Jitterbug phone thought it was hilarious that someone would buy what amounts to a black-and-white television in a high-def bigscreen color world. Their comments may show a lack of respect for their elders, but they are not wrong. We all have to move along to get along!

I May Never Fly Again!

These are desperate times for the nation's airlines. With one exception (Southwest), they are all losing money, and are looking for ways to save their asses even as jet fuel prices are rising out of control. US Airways now says it will start removing entertainment systems (i.e. - the video players that show movies) from most of it's planes... a move that will reduce travel weight by 500 pounds and save the airline 10 million dollars a year.

Sounds pretty desperate to me. And as if I needed even more proof, I received this letter from Hawaiian Airlines, which has joined with every other US Carrier to urge consumers to get Congress to hold the line on rising fuel prices! Here's the letter:

An Open letter to All Airline Customers:

Our country is facing a possible sharp economic downturn because of skyrocketing oil and fuel prices, but by pulling together, we can all do something to help now.

For airlines, ultra-expensive fuel means thousands of lost jobs and severe reductions in air service to both large and small communities. To the broader economy, oil prices mean slower activity and widespread economic pain. This pain can be alleviated, and that is why we are taking the extraordinary step of writing this joint letter to our customers.

Since high oil prices are partly a response to normal market forces, the nation needs to focus on increased energy supplies and conservation. However, there is another side to this story because normal market forces are being dangerously amplified by poorly regulated market speculation.

Twenty years ago, 21 percent of oil contracts were purchased by speculators who trade oil on paper with no intention of ever taking delivery. Today, oil speculators purchase 66 percent of all oil futures contracts, and that reflects just the transactions that are known. Speculators buy up large amounts of oil and then sell it to each other again and again. A barrel of oil may trade 20-plus times before it is delivered and used; the price goes up with each trade and consumers pick up the final tab. Some market experts estimate that current prices reflect as much as $30 to $60 per barrel in unnecessary speculative costs.

Over seventy years ago, Congress established regulations to control excessive, largely unchecked market speculation and manipulation. However, over the past two decades, these regulatory limits have been weakened or removed. We believe that restoring and enforcing these limits, along with several other modest measures, will provide more disclosure, transparency and sound market oversight. Together, these reforms will help cool the over-heated oil market and permit the economy to prosper.

The nation needs to pull together to reform the oil markets and solve this growing problem.

We need your help. Get more information and contact Congress by visiting www.StopOilSpeculationNow.com.

I don't honestly know whether the airlines are in genuine crisis, or whether they are just trying to save their companies' stock prices, but either way, it's going to cost me much more as a consumer to fly anywhere. As someone who has come to enjoy 140 dollar flights to Orlando and 250 dollar flights to L.A., this is a bitter pill to swallow.

Not that I can afford to swallow anything any longer... If these hard times continue for airlines, the once-unthinkable notion that they'll start charging passengers by the pound to travel could, in fact, become reality!

What Will They Think Of Next?

I blatantly stole this video from the blog of my protege, Jen Richer... For anyone who ever wondered what the octane level was in the oil of the garbage they serve at Taco Bell, this ad is for you! Enjoy!

Many Thanks To The Mouse!

By the title of this blog entry, friends and former colleagues must think I am referring, of course, to my old pal, Mickey Mouse... However, my hand-drawn friend is not the rodent I offer plaudits to this morning.

No, the mouse I am indebted to was about 3 inches long and brown, and I saw it for only a second or two. Robin and I were just finishing our dinners at a fine barbecue restaurant in our area last night when I spied a little critter scattering across the floor about 20 feet away from me. Thankfully, I had finished eating, and thankfully, we had enjoyed our food - otherwise the sighting might have been a bit more disturbing.

Since it was late - about 10 pm - there were just a couple of other patrons in the restaurant, and I didn't want to make a scene. At Robin's encouragement, I asked our waiter to get me the manager. When the manager arrived, I motioned for her to sit down, then in a soft voice, told her she had a pest problem.

The young woman was horrified. She apologized profusely, and explained that the exterminators had just been in the restaurant a few days earlier. She then grabbed the check folder off of the table, took the cash inside of it and handed it back to me. I explained that we had enjoyed our meal and were not looking for a freebie, but she refused to accept our money.

Sweet! I saved 46 dollars! And the food was delicious! Thanks, Mouse!

Attention, Nationals Fans! Both Of You!

We're closing in on the halfway point of the baseball season, and the news is not good for our Nats in their first year of operations at the new ballpark. Read on from the DC Sports Bog in the Washington Post:

Well this ballpark-christening season has gone about as smoothly for Washington baseball as rush hour at Metro Center. To recap: the big offseason signing got caught up in the steroid scandal, the exciting new outfielders both suffered serious injuries, the two fan favorites at the corners both suffered serious injuries, the ace and closer both suffered serious injuries, the attendance has hovered in the exact middle of the league for weeks (and is much closer to the bottom third than to the top), and the won-less record is currently the worst in the bigs.
Meaning "First in War, First in Peace, Last in the National League" is no longer a bad enough description.

But wait! Some good news! The team's percentage drop in regional sports network television ratings is not the biggest in the major leagues this season! It's, um, the second-biggest drop! Behind only the Mariners.

According to an in-depth baseball ratings story and chart by John Ourand,

posted on Sports Business Journal today (subscription required), the Nats are drawing a 0.39 on MASN/MASN 2, down 43.5 percent from last year. The average number of D.C.-market households tuning in is 9,000, which is...checking, checking....last in the majors. By a lot. That 0.39 rating is...checking, checking....also last in the majors. Also by a lot.

The biggest average households numbers, according to the story (which is based on Nielsen Media Research numbers) watch the Yankees (325,000), Red Sox (233,000) and Mets (204,000). The highest average ratings, according to the story, are found in Boston (9.75), St. Louis (8.04) and Minnesota (6.92).
More to the point, the lowest average household numbers, aside from the Nats, watch the Royals (28,000), Orioles (33,000) and Pirates (34,000). To repeat, the Nationals' number was 9,000, less than a third of the viewership in next-to-last Kansas City. The lowest average ratings, aside from the Nats, are found watching the Angels (1.24), Rangers (1.49) and Dodgers (1.57). To repeat, the Nationals' number was 0.39.

I've been told not to make public our own numbers on Nats-based Web hits, but I think "disappointing" would be an accurate description. "Very disappointing" might also apply.

Seriously, what the heck is going on here? Why do we have a baseball team? Is this just yet another example of Washingtonians being front-runners? Will the numbers spike when the Nats start winning? Does it just require time, no matter what the W-L record is? Was Peter Angelos actually correct about the lack of D.C. baseball fans? Is it really that hard to find MASN2? Or is it just that, in general, with one notable exception, Washington is to pro sports what Billings is to high culture?

Hate to say "I told you so", but I told you so. When the Senators left town in 1971, I became an Orioles fan, and that suited me fine for the next 30 years or so. Aside from a small band of fans who could never get over the fact that the Senators were gone, Washington's baseball jones was plenty satisfied by having the Orioles at Camden Yards. If the Nats want to fix their woes, they're going to need better luck in the injury department, better access for fans to their new ballpark, and more important than anything else, a division title! DC loves winners and the Redskins - and nothing else.

Don't worry, Nats fans... your misery will be short lived... The Skins go to training camp on July 20th - and after that nothing else will matter.

I'm Back!

The digital age is a wonderful thing, but it is not without its hazards. Ever since I launched this blog in early March, I have made it a point to produce new entries for every weekday(and often at least one weekend day as well), on the notion that maintaining the discipline of daily publishing would keep my writing skills and thought processes sharp. I've enjoyed the "work", but last week, my daily streak came to an end. I knew I would be missing a few days at the keyboard, but I dared not write about it in advance because the internet is a VERY public forum, and I didn't want to give any potential thieves the opportunity to plan a heist at my home while I was out of town. It's no big deal - just another hazard we all have to think about in the world today!

Now, with that preamble taken care of, I can tell you all about my latest adventure in the city of Lost Wages (or is that, in my case, the city of Lost Severance?)!

Now I know you're asking... an unemployed guy going on vacation in Las Vegas? Look - I planned this trip in January, a month BEFORE my job was eliminated. The airfare was paid for, I had already saved money for hotel and gambling, and I needed something to look forward to as I looked for my next career. There was nothing short of a new job offer that was going to get me to cancel the trip, so off we went with Lori and Randy Bernstein for five days and four nights of sin! I will share details by way of a list of likes... and a list of dislikes.

I liked (in no particular order):

• Discovering new things after perhaps a dozen trips to Las Vegas over a 20-year period… in this case, what it’s like to visit a casino for “locals”. We visited the Red Rock Casino, in Summerlin, about 10 miles northwest of the Strip, and found a resort that would have been the envy of the Strip if it was there. Beautiful casino… beautiful restaurants, a cheap and delicious buffet, along with a 16-screen movie theater, a bowling alley and a member’s club that was far more generous than anything either MGM-Mirage or Harrah’s would ever think about offering.


• Downtown Las Vegas on the 4th of July. Walking around at 10 o’clock at night in 100-degree weather with an interesting mix of drunk locals and drunk tourists, watching faux-patriotic America tributes on the overhead Fremont Street Experience screens, while 70-year-old women in bright green halter tops traipsed around with their breasts dangling to their belly buttons.


• Lucking out in both directions and having an empty seat between myself and the Missus on both plane flights. Almost made air travel seem civil again.


• Going to the pool for a dip, then sitting on a chaise lounge and drying off in 15 minutes or less under the broiling Nevada sun.


• Hash House a Go Go. You won’t find this restaurant in the tourist magazines, because it's a good 20 minute drive west of the Strip. We found it on the Food Network or the Travel Channel. This breakfast place has pancakes that are literally larger than an average dinner plate. One pancake can feed two people! Yum!


• Traveling with friends. There’s a caveat to this one. Traveling with friends can be great IF you and your friends are willing to be flexible, and willing to go off and do their own thing. Thankfully, Lori and Randy Bernstein are a wonderful couple for us to travel with. We managed to enjoy each others’ company and share many expenses – Plus - as an added bonus, Randy is a great blackjack coach!

• Multi-hand Deuces Wild draw poker. Nothing beats playing 50 hands at once… especially when you've drawn three 2's in a Deuces Wild game! I even finished ahead while playing it!


• Margaritaville. The weather is here… wish you were beautiful. ‘Nuf said!


• Bette Midler. The Divine Miss M is still belting out her great voice and telling really funny (if old) dirty jokes at the age of 62. God bless her!


• The 6.99 Steak Dinner special at Ellis Island. I had read about this, one of the most notorious cheap food specials left in Las Vegas, for years – but I never had the nerve to actually try it! For 7 bucks, I enjoyed a 10-ounce sirloin, baked potato, green beans, salad and a 20-ounce homebrewed light beer. As I enjoyed my dinner, I was serenaded by the city’s most popular karaoke bar about 25 feet away. Definitely a must-do experience at least once (and perhaps just once) in your life!


• The blackjack dealers at Paris, where we stayed this trip. They were - without exception - friendly and eager to help... rooting us on to beat the casino!

I was NOT crazy about:

• Tipping everyone for everything. Forget gambling… tipping is the biggest industry in Las Vegas. I don’t mind tipping for good service, but sometimes workers conspire to hold you up for money. When we checked out of the hotel, I called for a bellman to come to my room and deliver my bags directly to my rental car. When he arrived, the bellman told me he was not allowed to leave the hotel, so my bags would be delivered to the bell desk, where another bellman would then deliver my luggage to my car. Yes, I tipped twice… Which bellman was I going to screw over?


• Trying to get comps. When one spends four days churning out literally thousands of dollars worth of bets at a casino, he should be able to expect more than $7.28 worth of comps for his trouble. Now that Las Vegas (well, the Strip, anyway) has become a two-player town (Harrah’s and MGM-Mirage own almost everything) , it is nearly impossible to even get a lousy free buffet!


• Having my minivan spat upon by a drunk teenager in a wife-beater, sporting gang tats and carrying a 16-ounce Bud. He was crossing the street downtown against my green light and apparently didn’t appreciate my little horn toot. I didn’t appreciate his DNA soiling my car window. No matter. The spit evaporated in about a minute.


• Having a “low tire pressure” sensor come on in my rented minivan, even though none of the tires looked low at all. The missus insisted on trading in the van for another, even though I was willing to fuggedaboudit.


• Sticking on a soft 18 against a 6, rather than doubling down as I should have. The move, an ill attempt to protect my bankroll, instead cost me more than a hundred bucks. STUPID ME! Textbook blackjack play exists for a reason!


• Hitting on 16 (although I do).


• Staying on 17 against a 10 (although I do).
• The Economy Taking Its Toll. Las Vegas was jammed with visitors over the holiday weekend, but business was noticably off compared to last year, when we also visited for July 4th. Our first two days in town, it was almost quiet in the casinos, and there were notably few table games even open. Traffic on the strip moved at the speed limit, which is NOT a good thing for Vegas. And the most telling sign of the lagging times was at the World Gaming Expo at the Rio resort, home of the World Series of Poker. We stumbled on this free "convention of vices" last year... A convention hall full of poker vendors giving away free playing cards, magazines, coupons for lap dances, alcohol, energy drinks, magazines, poker chips, baseball caps - any and everything related to the world of poker and all FREE! We eagerly planned to go back this year, but we were in and out in less than 15 minutes - and with NONE of the freebies we grabbed last year. There were, at most, one quarter of the vendors we saw in 2007, and the ones that were there were giving away almost nothing. I walked out with 3 magazines and a sample size bottle of sunscreen - and none of it came home with me. Companies that were hoping for exposure last year are now presumably just hoping to survive - if they are still around at all.

All in all, it was another memorable Las Vegas trip! I wish I could say when the next one will be, though... Even if the new job comes through, who knows when fuel prices will drop low enough for me to consider buying tickets to fly out west again! Vegas used to be about 225 dollars round trip, but you'd be pressed to find a fare for less than 450 bucks these days - That's a hell of a lot of money to put up when you've gotta plan to lose even more in the casino!

Get MAD This Holiday Weekend!

The best new show on television (as opposed to LOST, which is the best show on TV, period) comes out on DVD today - I'm speaking about "Mad Men", the drama that takes us to Madison Avenue, circa 1960, when men were men and women were sex objects, and when excessive smoking and drinking were encouraged in the workplace! What makes this show so attractive for baby-boomers is that this is how we remember our parents - especially in the scenes in the suburbs... The lead character, Don Draper, takes the train home every night to a wife who greets him with a drink in hand and dinner in the oven - kinda like the Dick Van Dyke show, but with real-life pressures.

I was surprised to find out recently that many, if not most, people I've spoken with had not heard of "Mad Men"... Perhaps because it aired on AMC, and it debuted as a summer series. The show's pedigree is impeccable - it's creator was one of the Executive Producers for "The Sopranos", and you can see some of the same familiar touches. The show has a highly stylized look (1960 modern - just like my living room growing up), and it uses music to make subtle points, just as the Sopranos did.

Check out this clip, then get on Netflix and check it out! You can thank me later.


Season Two begins July 27th, so now is a perfect time for you to get caught up!