A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To Camp!

Young family Ham Spencer Matthews strikes again... He is performing as Erronious in "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum" at Camp Airy... (He's the one in the light blue toga with the dark blue sash...) Mom and Dad are SO proud!

A Lying Conundrum

My 11-year-old son lied to me this morning.

Spencer came downstairs for school, wearing his school patrol belt. Only - it wasn't really HIS belt. This belt was stretched so tight around Spencer's belly that he had to suck in his gut to get it latched. Spencer didn't say anything about it, but it was so blatantly noticable that I had to say something.

"What's wrong with your patrol belt?"

"Nothing."

"Let me adjust it for you."

"No, Dad. It's OK!"

"Did you lose your belt?"

"No."

"You spent all winter wearing that belt over your heavy coat, and now you can't wear it over a T-shirt?"

At this point, Mom came downstairs and set the record straight. Spencer had indeed lost his belt last week, and the Patrol manager at school had given him a loaner. Robin knew this, because she's a teacher at Spencer's school, and she knows everything that goes on with him.

So at this point, I'm pissed. I'm pissed, of course, because he lied to me. No one wants to think that their kids are capable of deceit, but they certainly are, and I'm not going to beat myself up thinking I've been a terrible parent because this happened.

But I must admit, I'm perhaps even more pissed because his lie was a stupid one. If he had told me the truth, I wouldn't have been upset or even gotten angry. Spencer would lose his head if it wasn't attached to his neck, and he'll probably always be that way. But the fact that his Mom knew the truth, and he knew she knew the truth means he really wasted a lie on a lost cause. And that's just stupid.

Spencer is terrible at lying - perhaps because he is so gullible himself. He never did figure out the truth about the greatest lie of all - Santa Claus. I had to break the news to him just before Christmas when he was close to turning 10. I did it because I feared that he'd become a laughingstock at school, because he still so clearly believed. The fantasy aspects of the Santa Claus legend simply never occured to him.

I should mention at this point, for the sake of full disclosure, that Spencer has Asperger's Syndrome, a mild form of autism that makes it challenging for him to interpret social cues - to read faces for proper expression, or to sense how to act appropriately in certain social situations. I don't offer this as an excuse, because we believe that Spencer has to learn to live in the real world, and the world is not going to pause to learn how to live in his private Idaho.

The fact is that Spencer is never going to be a great liar. That's probably a good thing, because honesty is the best policy. However, I do worry for my son. Someday, when he really needs to conjure up a good Whopper, I fear his efforts will fall flat. I'm not about to start giving him fibbing lessons.

But I'd be lying if I said it didn't cross my mind!

One Hundred Percent Grade A Ham!

11-year-old Spencer Matthews was in the Greenwood Elementary Variety Show over the weekend... He performed in several numbers, including "Thriller", "Cool" from "West Side Story", and this number, "Rock On". He's number six on your screen and number one in our hearts. All of the kids are wearing NFL jerseys from real players, including Spencer. He's wearing the jersey of Shane Matthews, who quarterbacked for the Redskins under Steve Spurrier!



Robin (who teaches Kindergarten at Greenwood) and I took out an ad in the show's program in support of Spencer. It read:

Your Mom's a teacher in our school
So stand up straight and please don't drool!
Not when you "thrill" us as a ghoul
Nor when you sing and dance in "Cool".
You're talented more than a tad
The biggest ham we've ever had!
So "break a leg", our favorite lad...
We love you - Mom and Dad and Brad!

Way to go, Spence!

In A Blog Fog

I know many people who blog. Some do it as part of their job. Some do it to vent their own political viewpoints. Some do it as a form of artistic expression.

I have friends who don't think anyone reads their blog. They blog simply to amuse themselves. I don't think that way. I've been a broadcaster since I was 13 years old. I publish in hopes that people will read it! And people won't read my blog if I don't give them something to read!

We've all been there... You start to read a blog with some semblance of regularity, then the blogger starts to post less frequently, and soon, you just forget to go back, and pretty soon, the blog's url falls right off of your radar screen, and you can't remember what it was called any more!

So, I live in semi-fear that if I let more than a day or two go between blog entries, I'm going to start to lose my audience. That's a problem when my idea tank starts to run a little low, and I can't find any filler material that's clever enough to bridge the gap between "real" blog entries.

I don't want to post any more Obama entries because I never wanted a political blog to begin with, and if I post any more entries about "Facebook", you all are going to want to send some cult intervention experts to my house. I've already blogged about all of my favorite TV shows, and I've been too busy working to write about about being unemployed (although I still am).

You know all about my brilliant son, Brad and my nagging wife, Robin. I could tell you more about younger son Spencer, who turned 11 yesterday (Happy Birthday, Spence!), but Spencer's main interests are Lego Bionicle and Webkins. Not much there for an adult reading audeince. But at least now I've told you about Spencer!

I would imagine this is akin to being a newspaper columnist. You have so many column inches to write, but you have no idea what you're going to say, and you have a deadline fast approaching.

So you dig down deep, pull something out of your ass and get the job done!

Like I just did.

Tuesday Talking Points

I have a couple of things to share - and a piece of news to follow! Read on...

My son, Spencer, must be a great actor... Just ask Michael Savage! Anyway - As mentioned last week, Spencer made his acting debut on the stage at Camp Airy - and the folks there were kind enough to record the show and send home a DVD. Here's Spence's big scene on the lean, mean streets of New York City:


Did you hear his fellow campers cheering Spence on at the end? Way to go, Spencer!

Next we move from the stage to the screen... With the boys home from camp, the Matthews family took in WALL-E yesterday afternoon. Being Disney (and Pixar) fans, we had long been looking forward to seeing this film, which drew universal praise from critics, and has even been mentioned in some circles as a Best Picture nominee at next year's Oscars.

Oddly enough, WALL-E left me flat. I found its "green" message to be preachy and somewhat condescending, and I thought the basic story could have been told in half the time. It's almost enough (ok - it is enough) to make you believe there really IS a liberal media conspiracy out there sometimes - at least among movie critics. It also doesn't help when the Disney publicity machine kicks into overdrive... that sometimes makes it impossible to not be underwhelmed by some of its films. I felt the same way about "Finding Nemo"... Just as many say it was the best of the Pixar films, for me, Nemo lingers near the bottom... just above "A Bug's Life" and WALL-E.


Next topic - the coffee business... I find it hilarious that there are several grass-roots efforts underway to keep some of those 600 shuttered Starbucks shops open. These stores are being closed because they don't get enough business, and now, faithful customers are signing petitions and whatnot to keep the shops open... But Starbucks doesn't need to be preached to by the choir... it needs new converts... And at upwards of four bucks a cup, those converts ain't comin'... The Missus and I do not see eye to eye on this... She's a Starbucks queen... Give me a buck-39, and I'll get a 24-oz. vat o'joe at the 7-Eleven!

And speaking of the 7-Eleven... I will resume my once-daily early morning trips to the land of "Oh Thank Heaven" beginning tomorrow morning. My friends at WBAL Radio have graciously asked me to do some fill-in work for the next month - writing newscasts for my good friend, Bill Vanko, just as I once wrote them for Bryan Nehman at WMAL. I will also be anchoring the odd newscast outside of morning drive, so be sure to tune in to 1090 WBAL to hear yours truly!

I am half excited and half terrified to be going back to work. I do want a fulltime job, of course, and I had hoped it would have come long before this. I know in my heart that I will get back on the bicycle and be just fine, but there's just a pinch of irrational fear that I somehow lost 25 years of news skills in a few short months! We'll find out soon, won't we?

This blog has been a Godsend for me - giving me a voice to vent with, as well as a reason to get up and be productive every day. With my early morning work schedule (I HAVE A WORK SCHEDULE!!!), you will not find a fresh edition of "Life On The Beach" to read every morning, but please continue to check in most afternoons... I will continue to try to give you some daily nonsense to "enjoy"... Thanks to all of you for reading!

Now on to the next chapter!

Weekend Odds And Ends!

Several little items for you from this weekend... Enjoy!


We open with kudos for my boy Spencer, who made his off-Broadway debut (way off Broadway... OK - Thurmont!) as Officer Krupke in the Camp Airy production of "West Side Story"... Details of his performance are sketchy, since the show was for campers only... However, we have managed to sneak a peek at our own little "Man in Blue"...

Playing a cop... eating donuts! A part that Spencer was BORN to play! Your parents are WAY proud of you, Spence!

Speaking of Spencer, Robin and I are re-doing his room while the boys are away at camp... In Spencer's case, it's a bit of EXTREME MAKEOVER. We had to dismantle the loft bed that he's slept in the past four years, and now outgrown... The unit has both a desk and dresser underneath the bed, and rather than just toss it all away, Robin and I decided to take the bed portion off the top, and remove the back half of the piece, which was used for storage space. The only problem was that we needed to literally saw off the back half of a piece of furniture that was never designed to be removed.

There's nothing more manly than going out and buying a power tool! By Saturday afternoon, I was the proud owner of a Craftsman reciprocating saw, which I used to hack off about 50 pounds of finished wood! 10 minutes and four cuts later, I had successfully performed a storage unit-ectomy! The surgery did leave a small scar - about a 6 inch gash in the carpet, but we'll find something to cover that up, I promise! Now all I have to do is pay a visit to the Montgomery County Solid Waste Transfer Center to drop off all of the surplus wood, and we'll be all set. The "MCSWTC" is a fancy way of saying "the dump", but this is Montgomery County, where taxpayers obviously pay by the word, hence the fancy name...

So - now that Spencer's loftbed had been reduced to sawdust, the Missus and I drove up to Costco to buy him a new bed for his room... That was no sweat. After Costco, I treated Robin to dinner at our favorite Frederick eatery, the Double-T diner, which was delicious as always... However, when I went to pay, I reached in my pocket and found... nothing.

This was troubling, because I had checked my cash at Costco and had about 85 bucks in my pocket. The only guess I could hazard was that the money had fallen out while I was wrestling the mattress and boxspring into the back of the minivan... On a complete lark, we drove back to Costco just as dusk was setting in and pulled up to the space we had parked in. Robin looked out the window and promptly spotted a wad of cash. There was 60 bucks right where we'd left it! Robin and I spent the next several minutes inspecting every bit of trash in the vicinity, and just as we were set to give up, Robin found another 20 dollar bill! I did end up losing five bucks, but given the circumstance, getting 80 dollars back felt like winning the lottery!

One more thing to mention for today. The Redskins have won the latest round in their ongoing battle to keep their trademark. You can read the details of the case here, but all you really need to know is that the victory was on a technical matter, and the plaintiffs in the case are appealing. A group of Native Americans is suing the team, making the claim that the name "Redskins" is racist and disparaging. The team insists the word "Redskins" honors native Americans.

Now, I must tell you... I have been a Redskins fan since I was eight years old. I have not missed watching one of their games in at least a decade. I do call them the Redskins, and I would probably continue to call them the Redskins out of habit even if their name was changed. But let's at least be honest. Having a native American as a mascot is racist. Basing a sports team's name solely on the color of a group's skin is racist. This is not even a close call. In a world that demands political correctness... where virtually all colleges have long since abandoned their American Indian nicknames and mascots... the Redskins are an endangered species. I am no more anxious to give up the tradition of their name than any other fan of the Burgundy and Gold. But this is one battle I hope the Skins lose, and I think it's just a matter of time before they do.

That's My Boy!

When I was a kid, the only way my parents knew what I was up to at summer camp was when I chose to send them a letter. But thanks to the wonders of the internet, I can follow my kids' exploits whenever I want! Brad and Spencer's camp provides updates pretty much 24/7... telling us what activities they've been doing every day and what they were served for lunch and dinner. They also upload dozens of photos daily so we can see them having fun (What a GREAT marketing tool, by the way!)... AND - we can send e-mail to our boys as often as we want, so it makes writing them much easier. The emails are printed out and delivered to the kids... They still have to write us by hand, just as God intended!

So last night, I checked in and discovered that 10-year-old son Spencer auditioned for the camp play, "West Side Story", and won the role of Officer Krupke! I suppose I should ponder the fact that Spencer's main responsibility will be to stand on stage and receive the verbal musical abuse of several other kids singing "Krup You" to him, but instead I'll choose to bask in the glow of my son getting his first dramatic role! As you may have read earlier, we're big supporters of musical theater for kids in the Matthews household!

We always knew Spencer would be our artsy child... He enjoys singing in the school chorus, and played clarinet in the orchestra this past school year. Hopefully, this taste of musical theater will make Spencer hungry to continue in the arts.

Now I just hope he'll pick up a pencil and write us to tell us about his good news - Last year, Spencer failed to write even one letter from camp - but at least he was having a good time!

Exercising My Jewish Roots

The Matthews family made a quick up-and-back trip to New York over the weekend for the bat mitzvah of our good family friend, Jamie Karpf. (Great job, Jamie!) A couple of quick observations...

• After growing up in a well-mixed neighborhood in Silver Spring religion-wise, and after being married to a Jewish woman for 18 years, I must really be assimilating well to the Jewish culture. After the morning service, one of my acquaintances asked me if I speak Hebrew - which I don't. He thought I did because he noticed me apparently reading pretty convincingly during the bat mitzvah! I guess a career of faking phonetic pronunciations on the radio has helped me in that regard... plus, I had to learn a smidgin of hebrew for Brad's Bar Mitzvah 2 years ago, so some of it must have stuck!


• Gas where I live near Olney, Maryland is running about 4.09 a gallon right now. If you pay a similar price, be THANKFUL for it. I noticed on our trip that gas prices in New Jersey, the nation's cheap gas capital are running about 3.89 a gallon - frankly not that much cheaper... And up where my friends live in Putnam County, New York, it's bend-over-and-take-it time! Regular self-serve up there averages about 4.45 a gallon - and folks in the hills of cold and snowy upstate New York actually NEED to own SUVs... OY!


• Every time I attend a wedding or bar mitzvah, I am reminded just how bad today's music is. I know this statement makes me sound like an old fart, but without fail, the proof lies in the music at events like these... What are the songs that get people - young and old - to get up and dance... even today? Motown... Barry White... Kool and the Gang... Sister Sledge... Party music - even for young people - is firmly stuck in 1980! Even the group dances are showing their age now, but those are the songs that get people on their feet... the Macarena, the Electric Slide... the Cha Cha slide... I am fully convinced that if "Shout" and "Hot Hot Hot" had never been written, weddings and bar mitzvahs would have ceased to exist a long time ago!

After racing back from New York, we spent Sunday packing up to send the boys to camp for a month... Actually, my control-freak wife spent Sunday packing. I spent Sunday asking Robin if there was anything I could do to help... Being a Jewish mother (sorry for the stereotype, but this one happens to be true!), Robin had to personally make sure that she and only she ironed on labels in both boys' underwear! My wife readily admits that if I had been left in charge of packing, the job would have taken half the time, but she would have worried that I had missed something.

So I left the task to her, and she proceeded to overpack - sending the boys to camp with 20 pair of undies and 20 pair of socks each, even though the boys will get laundry service once a week! I awoke Monday at 6:30 am and found Robin racing around the house looking for clips that the boys could use to clip their yarmulkes to their heads for Friday night Shabbat services. This caused me to wonder... what makes Robin think the boys will actually wear their yarmulkes? And even if they did - what makes her think they would use a hair clip?

When we got to camp, Robin went off with our younger son, Spencer, to unpack, while I was left in charge of unpacking Brad. I found a laundry bag filled with at least 15 bath towels. I put four of them in a drawer and asked Brad what to do with the rest, and he said... "Shove them in my trunk, and I'll bring them home clean. That's what I've done every other year!"

That's what I love about summer camp... No matter how much the parents try to overprepare, the kids find a way to ignore it all - and get by with only what they really need. What they really need is a break from their Jewish mothers! (I love you, Robin!)

Happy Take Your Child To Work Day!

As you know, one of the major running themes of this blog is to share what it feels like to be unemployed for the first time ever.
Well, today we run smack into the annual "Take Your Child To Work" day. That's never been an issue for me because I used to go to the office at 4:30 in the morning, so it was never very tempting for my kids to see what it was like at Dad's job. Now, I AM going to take Spencer to his Mom's job today - he'll sit in Robin's classroom and watch her teach her pre-schoolers. Meanwhile, my older son, Brad, has practically begged for me to take him to MY job today... ha ha ha. Smart ass.

Still - things could be worse. To be honest, I always hated "Take Your Child To Work Day", because having kids around the office is a big distraction. At least in my experience, they always seemed more bored than engaged, and it always seemed like a good excuse for their parents to take a long lunch and/or skip out early. But boy, I'd sure love the opportunity to take my kids to the office now!